I am so nervous right now. And, I’m only writing a draft…
As I’m sure many of you can tell already by the first two sentences, this is not Adam. Over the past couple of months I’ve been wanting Adam to write some more current blog posts because a) I think it’s good for him and his healing process, b) I wanted people to know we haven’t fallen off the face of earth and c) he’s just really good at it.
But, after a while I thought….maybe I should start writing some blog posts? Then a whole mess of, “no way jose!”, came up inside of me and stuck around – and still is there, but I’m just deciding to ignore it. But, maybe releasing some of my fears about this whole blogosphere thing will decrease my heart rate a bit.
Why I don’t want to blog:
1. Everyone does it. Oh my desperation to not be like everyone else and at the same time WANT to be like everyone else. This dichotomoy usually has something to do with what I do or don’t do in life. Sad. So very sad.
2. Adam is so good at it! He’s the communicator out of the two of us. I do a lot of sitting and staring. On the back porch, out the window, in the bathtub, etc. I am much more of an internal processor and only open the great vault to a select few. Until now…breathe.
3. I’m afraid of being judged. I want people to see and experience the whole me. I’m even saying to myself now….This has been a pretty “light” first blog post. No one would suspect you’ve spent the last 4 1/2 days in your house, in your PJs, reading, crying, writing, eating, crying, drinking tea, crying, reading, crying, writing…Everyone is going to think your OK! Then, what? I could write an entire blog on just that last thought right there.
And, those are just the top three.
So, why am I here you say? I’m still trying to figure that all out myself. I’m sure it has something to do with swallowing my pride. It probably has a lot to do with learning to let people in again. It might even be part of my healing. But, most of all, I think it’s part of learning how to be exposed and learning how to be a mess in front of others. And, I realize this is cheating because even this is edited and filtered and no one will be able to see the tears or the snot or hear the wailing that happens from time to time, but it’s a step I guess.
An introduction seems all I have the courage for today. But, I also just want to say thank you, to all of you. All of you who read our blog and have prayed over the past 9 months, and some of you even longer. I still don’t know exactly what praying for others does? But, I know it makes me feel less alone to know that other people are pleading on our behalf. Even though Jesus knows it all already. Thank you for the countless meals, the gifts, the flowers, the random messages, notes, cards, poems, stories etc. It has kept us seeking and knowing God’s goodness.
Until next time.