I am so nervous right now. And, I’m only writing a draft…
As I’m sure many of you can tell already by the first two sentences, this is not Adam. Over the past couple of months I’ve been wanting Adam to write some more current blog posts because a) I think it’s good for him and his healing process, b) I wanted people to know we haven’t fallen off the face of earth and c) he’s just really good at it.
But, after a while I thought….maybe I should start writing some blog posts? Then a whole mess of, “no way jose!”, came up inside of me and stuck around – and still is there, but I’m just deciding to ignore it. But, maybe releasing some of my fears about this whole blogosphere thing will decrease my heart rate a bit.
Why I don’t want to blog:
1. Everyone does it. Oh my desperation to not be like everyone else and at the same time WANT to be like everyone else. This dichotomoy usually has something to do with what I do or don’t do in life. Sad. So very sad.
2. Adam is so good at it! He’s the communicator out of the two of us. I do a lot of sitting and staring. On the back porch, out the window, in the bathtub, etc. I am much more of an internal processor and only open the great vault to a select few. Until now…breathe.
3. I’m afraid of being judged. I want people to see and experience the whole me. I’m even saying to myself now….This has been a pretty “light” first blog post. No one would suspect you’ve spent the last 4 1/2 days in your house, in your PJs, reading, crying, writing, eating, crying, drinking tea, crying, reading, crying, writing…Everyone is going to think your OK! Then, what? I could write an entire blog on just that last thought right there.
And, those are just the top three.
So, why am I here you say? I’m still trying to figure that all out myself. I’m sure it has something to do with swallowing my pride. It probably has a lot to do with learning to let people in again. It might even be part of my healing. But, most of all, I think it’s part of learning how to be exposed and learning how to be a mess in front of others. And, I realize this is cheating because even this is edited and filtered and no one will be able to see the tears or the snot or hear the wailing that happens from time to time, but it’s a step I guess.
An introduction seems all I have the courage for today. But, I also just want to say thank you, to all of you. All of you who read our blog and have prayed over the past 9 months, and some of you even longer. I still don’t know exactly what praying for others does? But, I know it makes me feel less alone to know that other people are pleading on our behalf. Even though Jesus knows it all already. Thank you for the countless meals, the gifts, the flowers, the random messages, notes, cards, poems, stories etc. It has kept us seeking and knowing God’s goodness.
Until next time.
17 thoughts on “Until now”
So good to hear from you, Corrie! Totally teared up while reading your post. Appreciate your honesty and vulnerability so much. We still think of and pray for y’all often! Love you guys and look forward to more posts from both you and Adam.
Love you guys, Jocelin
Sent from my iPhone
You are one of the strongest people I know and your strength is an inspiration.
It’s really scary to put yourself out there in a vulnerable way, especially when you don’t feel particularly good at it. However, you will never know how many lives you touch or change by the shakily-typed words you put on here. Keep being brave, girl.
Thank you for your courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Thank you for allowing us to see all of you Corrie. I love you to pieces. “Part of our soul work is to honor the pain and grief we all carry and not to think it is a door to someplace else. It’s a doorway to right here, right now, this moment.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn
Thank you for giving it a try, Corrie. Your words are a blessing. May you continue to be sustained in the comfort and hope that is in Christ. I think of you guys so often.
Thanks for posting and sharing! I was so excited to get to hear from you on here. Your writing is so you. Love you and continuing to pray!
Hi Corrie and Adam,
Loved your post Corrie – I think it is beneficial to keep it up. We saw your pain on our recent visit to Texas, but it was so good to reconnect with you both again. Of course we can never know your pain as you do – it is yours alone. But we know the pain of loss, of our parents, my brothers infant baby girl years ago, and the loss of friends we left when we moved to Charlotte to be nearer our girls with Unk’s Parkinsons Diagnosis. We too sit and cry a lot because of the loss of so many who loved and nurtured us for so many years. So we all grieve in many different ways, but we pray for those we love who also grieve and that prayer brings healing but it takes time….please know that you both are always in our thoughts and prayers and pray that Gods love will give you peace. You are both very special and we pray that your desire for a family will be fulfilled many times over. Keep well and please keep us informed through your blogs on Brooklyn’s Bridge – we love you both.
Unk and Aunt Nancy
Thanks Aunt Nancy. It was good to visit with you all. I know Granny and Farfar really enjoyed having you guys in Katy. I was disappointed that we didn’t get the chance
to give you a proper goodbye.
Love hearing from you Corrie. Keep ’em comin’.
Oh darling girl…now I need to hug you! Your faith, strength, & determination to press on amaze me.
Bless you, Corrie. Sure would love to see you – if you ever feel like trading the Austin heat for the Dallas heat, come on up!
P. S. You’re an excellent writer. I know that’s beside the point, but you’ve “earned your chops.”
You are an amazing young woman, Corey. I knew it the first and only time I met you. Keep sharing. It improves the world. Mary Starrak ( your Aunt Gail’s friend)
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2013 16:47:26 +0000 To: firstname.lastname@example.org
I always feel the love, strength and light in each of yours and Adam’s words. Warms my heart to know such amazing people, friends, parents and souls as you both. Thank you for continuing to share your story and memories, connecting us with you on a journey across Brooklyn’s Bridge. I try to return the honor you have shared by sending positive energy, happiest of thoughts and well wishes to you both always. Until I can give ya a big ol hug in person, I’ll be thinking of you and Adam as you walk in Brooklyn’s light. You are so beautiful and strong, Corr! I love you both! -Jordan
Corrie, Ok, you are so brave. You just gave me courage to say this: It has been too painful to reach out to you! I have felt it is just too much for me and you have your select few that God has sent you. Please know that every time I think of you or Adam or Brooklyn, my heart brakes again and I pray those select few are able to comfort. Please blog. We need it. I need it. Losing a child, no matter how, is something you never get over, but together we heal. Hearing stories, sharing stories, might not be the same story but help us feel like someone understands a little bit. I love you. I am sorry that by trying to avoid my own pain, I have avoided you. I felt like this comment was important to me, but lets get together soon and connect more privately 🙂 I love you!
Corrie so good to hear from you. I think of you all often. (((HUGS)))
Corrie, this is such a great post; genuine, painful, messy, hopeful, vulnerable, honest, convicting, beautiful and so well written. Thank you for the glimpse inside. We’ve been praying for you all and it is a blessing to us to read a bit of your present journey. At a time when I needed the reminder your post reminded me that God is good and therefor hope can sustain. You and Adam are incredible.
I am so glad that you and Adam are our new neighbors (even though we were gone all summer to not welcome you very well)! . I look forward to getting to know both of yall and eating or walking or crying or drinking coffee together. My heart aches with yall and the pain and loss you are experiencing. Hope to see you all soon!