Gravity

I noticed the other day how lightly I walked in and out of the grocery store. And, at almost 8 months pregnant I certainly don’t mean weight-wise. I remembered feeling the heaviness of my grief when I was in public a year ago. A stranger would walk by with her two children and I would feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin! I was still wrestling with whether I could really live life carrying this pain I was feeling in missing Brooklyn, in being a Mom without her baby. My heart seemed to protest anytime I was somewhere that most people seemed in one piece, because I felt full of nothing but pieces. 

 
This evening was one of those ugly cry, go through an entire box of tissues, hair damp on each sides of my face from lying on the floor sobbing kind of evenings. I don’t know if it’s Mother’s Day being around the corner, or being at a party last night where the question, “Is this your first?”, inevitably came up with each person we met, or Lydia’s baby showers coming up, or just…the nature of grief, but the hole felt so big tonight. 
 
I remembered her. And, I don’t just mean in my memory….it felt like every part of me was hit with a wave of remembering. It began to feel uncomfortable to be in this skin, in this body, living without her. The very molecules I’m made from seemed to shout, “Something is not right! Someone is missing! Where is she?” 
In this moment, the bed, the couch, even a rigged dining room chair doesn’t seem suitable to hold me. Only the floor will do. The gravity of grief is a strong force.
 
Where is He? My heart kept searching. Woven in between my hearts’ grasps for Him, I hear things like, “He’s not real. See He’s not answering you.”…..”She’s not really in Heaven, that’s just something people say because they can’t handle the idea of an innocent baby dying.” The accuser is so loud. Maybe crying louder will drown him out? My heart’s eyes see feet walk up. Beautiful feet, that’s all I can see. “I hear you! I see you! And, your sobbing is like a beautiful song to me.” That’s what my heart heard. I don’t have any verses to back that up. I don’t know why He would say that to me? But that’s what I heard. Hearing makes all the difference. It may not stop the tears or quiet the whimpers right away, but it plants them in a place where maybe one day they will grow something beautiful. 
 
Maybe the force of gravity even knows there’s more going on with our tears than we could ever see this side of eternity? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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6 thoughts on “Gravity

  1.  I was a place very much like this only days ago and I found Romans 8:26. It might not be exactly the scripture to back up what you heard the Lord say, but it explains how your wordless cries could be as music in heaven– what was heard was the mourning of a mother’s indescribable love. 

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  2. There is a song by Amy grant about God loves our cries for him better than a hallelujah sometimes. God hears every cry and he will never let one tear be in vein. There is a scripture in the bible that says all things work to the good for his children. I’m praying for you sweet lady.

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  3. Corrie, I’m just now reading this. Your words are so true & painful. I’m so sorry that you really do have to live without your sweet Brooklyn. A year later, that missing piece “hole” in your lives is gaping…next will come the unanswered desire for Lydia to know/play with/be with her big sis. THAT should be the course of life. Them being together is the normal we all want for you but can’t have. There is just no guidebook or “appropriate timeline” for losing a precious little one. Thank you for standing alongside our family as we soak in time with Elisabeth Maxine even though the proximity must, at times, be brutal for you. With love,Anissa

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  4. This is so heart wrenching and also beautiful. Found you on lifesitenews. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear little one. Also, excited for the new life inside (or maybe you’ve already had this one?). Blessings to you and your husband.

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  5. my heart goes out to you as i know all too well the pain you are feeling two days after you lose ur daughter i gave birth to my son and he was still born on march 15 2013 i didnt wanna go into stores i just wanted to hide out at home if i did go i had people come up to me and ask me where my baby was or how he was doing it broke my heart i had to watch other moms with there babys yet i couldnt have mine it wasnt right this wasnt our first loss either we burried another baby back in 2004 i am now 5 and half months pregnant with a little boy

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