Broken Hearted

Those dreadful boxes. The ones with the little numbers glaring at you. How I will be so happy to trade in my calendar one glorious day.

The memories of celebrating her 3 month birthday, which was also Valentine’s Day, has been nagging at me all week. I don’t know if it’s because my body was finally getting used to the newborn thing, or the shock had worn off, or I had learned how to live with the anxiety, or that I had stopped pumping and was sleeping more but I remember her 3 month birthday very well. 

I have certain memories throughout her life that are just the, “oh yeah, I remember we did this on that day and the weather was like this…she was wearing that…” kind of memories. And there are many other memories that I remember exactly how my heart felt in those moments. Like when Adam came in as I was waking up from the surgery and told me that it was a baby girl. Or, a few days later when he told me they thought it might be Trisomy 18. Or, when I finally got to hold her on her 5th day of life. My heart was so full and so, so heavy. And, I remember how it felt to dress my little miracle up in the 3 different Valentine’s Day outfits she had. l felt so thankful that I was getting to do this. It was another holiday I didn’t think I would have with her.

I think Adam had gone to work that day, so it was just me and her….and the camera. I took WAY too many pictures. She was starting to put on some weight and I couldn’t get enough of her little chunk in the pink frills. And in between the photo shoots we did lots of snuggling. I felt really connected to her that day. My heart was getting better at allowing itself to feel the depth of the love. 

I know this isn’t the most eloquently written post, and there’s not really a point to it at all. I just miss her so much this week. My heart just feels broken, and it’s hard to want to acknowledge this holiday without her. And, today marking 11 months since I held her in my arms just feels impossible. The year marker is less than 30 days away. I wish that I could press pause so it won’t come and hit the fast forward button all at the same time. 

Here are some of my favorites from that day. 

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I love and miss my little Valentine.

-Brooklyn’s Mommy

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3 thoughts on “Broken Hearted

  1. Y’all love her soo well, then and continue to do so now. You celebrated and cherish her so beautifully. So gracefully, wether you realize it or not. You may think at times You and Adam are not doing so but, yall are so truthful and great witnesses. And after all, isn’t that what He has called us to be.
    We mourn the loss of Brooklyn with you and rejoice in her beautiful life.

    Your brothers and sisters in Christ,
    The Raybucks

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  2. Dear Corrie, This is so precious to read and see the pictures of your little angel, Brooklyn on this day. Sweet, beautiful girl. I am so moved by you and by Brooklyn. Thank you for sharing your loving, broken heart. Thank you for sharing Brooklyn…that is such generous love. Words fail me, but my prayers are rising for you and Adam this day.

    Like

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